How to Cook a Bad Relationship

The reason my major in college was psychology was because I wanted to understand why people do what they do.  More specifically, I wanted to make sense of my behavior, some of which made no sense at all.  For the record, the degree didn't help.

My problem, for the most part, was men.  Without men messing with me, I think my life would have been tear free (except for that Folger's commercial where the college boy comes home for Christmas break, and his little sister runs down the stairs and jumps into his arms, and then his parents sit up in bed and sniff the freshly-brewed coffee.  I always cry at that.)

Over the years, I have tried to understand why women (me included) pick the men we do.  We all deserve to have a mate who adores us, treats us with respect, and is the one person in our life who wants what is best for us.  That person does exist; they are out there looking for us, but because of our impatience, we fill the void with a substitute.  When it comes to romantic love relationships, something is not better than nothing. Because when you are loved the right way, you realize it was worth the wait.  It took me over fifty years to finally "get it right."  

Here's my old, tattered recipe for how to cook a bad relationship:

1.   One (1) man.

2.    One (1) woman.

3.   One (1) teaspoon Desperate.

4.   Two (2) teaspoons Insecurity.

5.   One (1) cup Control. 

6.   One (1) cup Inflexibility. 

7.  One (1) cup Incompatibility. 

8.  One (1) cup Self-Centeredness.

9.  Three (3) tablespoons Baggage.

10.  Two (2) cups Issues.

11.  Dash of Wandering Penis. (This ingredient was not in my recipe; it was added without my knowledge.)

Put 1 and 2 in a hot bowl, cover, and wait for it to rise.  Trust me.  It will rise.  Once risen, pat down and wait for it to rise again. Do this several more times.  Now sprinkle 3 and 4 into the mix. If it continues to rise, add 5 and 6.  (If you don't have 5 or 6, you can substitute Lack of Commitment and Indifference).  Add the remaining ingredients, mix thoroughly and simmer for as long as it takes for this recipe to fail. Oh, trust me; it will fail.

"But," you ask, "How can you cook a good relationship without including some of the above ingredients?" I was afraid you were going to ask me that question.  What do I look like? A psychology major?