Dirty Little Leaking Secret

Marianne does it when she walks by bottled water at the grocery store. Ellen says the sound of running water causes her to do it, and Shirley does it when she touches water, especially when it's warm. I do it, too, but not when I see, hear or touch water.  For me, it's about proximity, i.e. distance to the toilet. The closer I get to that white porcelain bowl, the more desperately urgent the urge becomes. As soon as I can see the john, I have five seconds to close and lock the bathroom door, WAIT! unbuckle my belt, NOT NOW! unzip and pull my pants down, HOLD ON! and sit. TOO LATE!

Incontinence, leakage, peeing in your pants, not having complete control of your bladder used to be considered one of those embarrassing personal secrets that you wanted no one to know about. Discussing malfunctioning body parts was considered bad form and it just wasn't done.

Well, that was then and this is now. The world has been turned upside down (haven't you noticed?) and things are not as they used to be. We live in a reality world now where truth rings supreme. No, really it does.  No more hiding in the lonely shadows of our dirty little leaking secret. One by one, we can all step forward into the spotlight and tell our truths. "My name is Marianne and I leak." "Hi there, I'm Ellen and I am a leaker." "I'm Shirley and I too am a leaker." "My name is Carol Louise and I'm here to support my friends who pee their pants."

Okay, I'm not ready to go public just yet. I'm telling you but I know you can keep a secret. I'm going to wait until more leakers expose themselves. Wait! This just in from Good Morning America.

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING OVERNIGHT! BREAKING NOW!  Kris Jenner (leading actress and matriarch extraordinaire of The Kardasians Show) pees her pants.

Okay, that's encouraging. A famous celebrity exposes her incontinence and dirty underwear on television for millions to see and for no monetary gain or fame or to satisfy an insatiable appetite for attention. No, really. She just wants to show support for her fellow leakers.  That's so altruistic of her, but I'm still not ready to come out of the bathroom.

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING OVERNIGHT! BREAKING NOW! The Today Show is reporting that Lisa Rinna (voluptuous lip model and former Dancing With the Stars alumni)  is wearing Depends at a Hollywood red carpet event. The caption under this breaking news reads "Making Incontinence Sexy." Her husband runs his finger across her behind and says "I can't feel a thing," to which Lisa responds by seductively running her tongue across her big wet lips and giving him a provocative grin, "I know, I know. Check out the boo-tay."

Um.....another incontinent celebrity comes forward. It's tempting but I'm still not ready to get up off this toilet, step forward and announce to the world that I too am a lea...

What? Now? Someone is on the phone for me? Tell them I'm in the bathroom, kinda busy right now writing this blog.

Tiger who? Woods? He thinks I'm what? He wants me to do what?

Okay, everything I said above about my leaking secret...never mind.

My Favorite Family Photos

The following are some of my favorite family photos.

My mother's 90th birthday party. 

(On my copy of this picture I have written captions for each

person. For example, "I'm so pretty, oh so pretty," and, "I could

be home right now watching reruns of The Bachelor,")

At the annual gun club meeting, the ladies decided, three to

two, to stop hunting buffalo. Lorene (left) was the swing vote.

Lynnette was elated when her mother discovered 

she had enough material to make her a dress, too.

Louise couldn't decide--star or angel or star or angel or star or angel

or star or angel--so Orville made the decision for her: STAR DAMMIT!

I asked for one thing for Christmas, Mom.
One thing. An accordion. That's all I asked for.
Not a stupid white blanket. I'll stand here
with it on for your stupid picture but I'm
not gonna smile. No! I will not shush.

All Things Big and Small

Oprah, my life coach and spiritual guide for all things big and small that matter on earth and beyond, told me once that by the time I reach the age of fifty, I should 1) be mentally and emotionally stable, 2) have eliminated negative baggage, 3) know who I am, 4) like who I am, 5) be gentle with myself, 6) not sweat the small stuff, and 7) I forgot the seventh thing. Bleep my bleepin' memory;  I bleepin' hate my bleepin' self. 

It wasn't long after my relationship with Oprah began when she introduced me to Dr. Oz, my medical advisor for all bodily malfunctions big and small that matter on earth and beyond. This genius knows everything about how my body works, and he said that by the time I reach sixty I should 1) stop having children, 2) fart at least fourteen times a day, 3) stop kissing my dog's butt, 4) lick a salt block twice a day, and 5) eat green acai berry coffee beans to bust my fat apps, or something like that. Oh, I don't know now. Sixty was a long time ago and my memory's not so good anymore.

It was Oprah who guided me through the pre, peri, actual, and post menopausal mental anguish that I didn't suffer but could have. My friends did so I was able to pass on to them Oprah's immortal words of wisdom during their darkest moments like 1) keep your feet on the ground, girlfriend; just wear nice shoes, 2) think of yourself as a queen; I do, 3) imagine Heaven as one big baked potato just sittin' there with butter and sour cream waiting for ya, 4) don't think of yourself as a deprived ghetto girl; that's my gig, and, and, and... . Oh, shoot! I forgot the fifth thing but I'm feeling so good right now just thinking about shoes, Heaven, and that baked potato.

Did I mention how amazing my doctor is? He's a wizard when it comes to the care and maintenance of the human body. He has all the answers to every question, and on the rare occasion when he's stumped, there's always Google. But his expertise doesn't stop with physiology. Dr. Oz knows all about psychology, spiritualism, and marketing as well. Have a phobia for germs? Call the automated hotline 1-888-555-DROZ. Answer: Lick a toilet seat. Didn't think it would be that simple, did you? I told you he was amazing. Want to get in touch with dearly departed Aunt Mable? That's an easy one for the doc, too. #TALKINGDEAD. Is there anything this miracle man can't do? Well, there is one thing: he can't market any products even though he's an expert in the field of selling things.  Dr. Oz says he doesn't market products and I believe him. Why would he lie, even under oath before the Senate Subcommitte on Consumer Protection leading an investigation into deceptive marketing practices that raise health and safety concerns? Claire McCaskill, chairwoman of the Senate Committee said, "I don't get why you need to say this stuff when you know it's not true. When you have this amazing megaphone, why should you cheapen your show? ... With power comes a great deal of responsibility." Well, that was not very nice, Claire. Now look what you've gone and done; you've hurt the doctor's feelings. Are those tears?

Since it was Oprah who first introduced me to Dr. Oz, I thought maybe she could help him not sweat this small thing--okay, it's a big thing but Oprah can fix anything, and if she is stumped, there's always Google.

WHERE'S OPRAH? DR. OZ NEEDS HER.

What? Google told you she's where? Because of a nervous what? Excuse me, it must be my hearing, but I just thought you said Oprah, my life coach and spiritual guide for all things big and small in the world and beyond, had a nervous breakdown.

Uh...okay. About everything I just said above...never mind.

A Visit with Grandma

Illustrations copyrighted by Carol Mayer 11/5/14