The Power to Make Me Whole

At age forty, after two failed relationships and one marriage, I was far from understanding what part I had played in the dismal outcomes of loves gone wrong. All I knew was I wanted love. No, that's wrong. I needed love. Without a man, I was worthless; I had no value. The entire world could offer its devotion, but there was only one person, the man in my life, who had the power to make me whole.

Low self-esteem does not like the light of day or the dark of night. Actually, it doesn't like much of anything, especially the host in which it lives. Because of its negative and reclusive nature, it spends a lot of its time hiding. It only comes out when no one is around to hear its constant barrage about its poor living conditions.

One bright sunny day in 1985 my low self-esteem was nowhere to be found when I confidently walked into a Greenwood Volkswagen repair shop to see if they could fix my broken Beetle Bug. Handsome gets me every time. Every single time. He was wearing a dark gray jumpsuit that fit his six foot frame nicely, and under his baseball cap I could tell there was some serious handsome going now. Could he help me, he asked in a low-manly voice. I looked at him; he looked at me; then the music started and it was love at first...

NO! STOP! Can't you see what you're doing? This is your problem. Your notions about love and romance are based on what you've read in fairy tale books, romance novels, seen on soap operas and watched at the movies. They are not real life. Love at first sight is not possible. Love takes time. Lots of time. How can you love someone you don't even know? Wake up, Carol Louise! Wake up!

I looked at him; he looked at me; then the music started and it was love at first sight. The only problem was, and it was my low self-esteem who pointed it out to me, I didn't come across his screen. He not only was NOT that into me, he didn't even see me. It wasn't until I came back a half dozen more times that he finally took notice.

We had so much in common, Love Number Four and I. He was a pilot; I was a pilot. He had a dog; I wanted a dog. He lived in Indiana. I lived in Indiana. He worked on Volkswagens; I owned a Volkswagen. He was a homosapien; I was a homosapien. Five out of five. That was good enough for me, and so my fourth love affair began quite spectacularly in an airplane somewhere over southern Indiana.

Well? Was there music?

Oh, yeah. Lots of music. It was very romantic.

What about a smoke machine for special effects during this romantic interlude?

We generated our own smoke.

So it was true love then, you and Four?

Well, there were a few itty bitty problems with Four.

Really? You said it was love at first sight. What problems could there possibly be?

I don't want to talk about it.

Was it that personal ad he ran in the newspaper seeking someone other than you? Could that have been a problem?

No comment.

What about the fifty letters you found that were responses to his personal ad that sought someone other than you? Was that a problem?

I have no comment at this time.

What about his words affirming his devotion and love for you while he was driving all over Indiana seeking someone other than you? Would you say there was an itty bitty problem with that?

Okay! Okay! Yes, I admit it. Four's lying and cheating and deception was a problem, but, but, but...

But what?

He was my man. Without him I would be worthless. The entire world could offer its devotion, but there was only one man, Four, who had the power to make me whole.

That's a bunch of crap and you know it.

I know! I know! But try telling that to my low self-esteem, would ya? It's not very happy with me right at the moment, so maybe it will listen to you.

Doubt it.