Fear Mongers

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And of course the terrorists, economic collapse, super bugs, societal decline, identity thief, crazy foreign leaders, failing education, faulty space heaters, killer bees, under-cooked chicken, television evangelists with mustaches, black ice, ticks, asteroids, wine shortage, car salesmen, global warming, sink holes, bed bugs, nursing homes, the IRS, and let's not forget the common, every day, every where, garden variety germ.

What have I missed? I'm afraid I may have forgotten something that I need to be fearful about. Here, let me turn on Fox News. Oh, No! How could I have forgotten the Democrats? I'm scared; very scared. I know. I'll just switch channels and watch The Daily Show with John Stewart for a little comic relief. Oh, crap! Where's my Xanax? The Republicans are coming! The Republicans are coming!

You can run, but you can't hide. The purveyors of fear will find you, pull you out of your temporary safe haven, and then proceed, with much exuberance (are they enjoying giving you bad news?), to tell you why you should spend every waking hour in a state of anxiety because the sky is falling! the sky is falling!  the sky is falling! 

Sometimes the fear mongers' messages are confusing, like that time in 2008 when Dr. Oz was just a mere mortal and guest doctor on The Oprah Show. He brought with him a Mysophologist, an expert who helps people overcome their fear of germs. With a group of germaphobes in tow, Dr. Oz and the germ guy set out on a trip through back alleys and nasty bathrooms in an effort to eliminate the obsessive compulsive disorder associated with an unfounded, unrealistic, and illogical fear of germs for once and for all time.

INTO THE DEMPSTER DUMPSTER WE ALL GO

You want to get rid of your fear of germs, don't you? Okay, dive on in. Open that McDonald's bag and what do you see? Maggots? Never mind. Eating maggots is for the more advanced class. What about that Colonel Sanders Finger-Licking-Good box? It's not more than twenty-four hours old. Go ahead, lick it! Stop crying.  Don't be a big baby now. You can do it. On the count of three. One, Two, Three...LICK IT! LICK IT!

ON OUR KNEES AT THE TOILET BOWL

For goodness sake, folks. It's only germs. I know it smells bad and I don't know what those brown flecks are floating in the water. Never mind those. Shit! It's not show and tell, ya know. It's time to lick the toilet seat and say goodbye to your fear of germs once and for all time.

20 MINUTES OF TELEVISION INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM - 2014.

Beware! There's danger lurking in your very own kitchen. See those salt and pepper shakers looking so innocent on top the stove? Don't believe it. Covered in Strepacockibatris, they're out to make you sick. And the floor under your kitchen bar? Caninebeenpeeinhere Disease. Disgusting! Water faucet? You don't wanna know. Cutting board? Throw it out. Bar stools? Don't even ask. Refrigerator magnets? Cute but deadly. And as bonafide, certified, and self-appointed purveyors of fear, we suggest you think twice about closing your bread bag with that little white tie wrapper thingy.  It's crawling with germs.

So, here I sit writing my blog on a computer whose keys have been thoroughly cleaned by Maggie Mae after she found part of a Cinnabon lodged between Option and Command. I've washed my hands six times already this morning, and I'm following the advice of a germ expert I saw on 20/20 last Friday night. I'm using only my right hand to touch things, which leaves my left hand free for things like rubbing my eyes, putting my fingers in my mouth to dislodge food stuck between my teeth, biting my nails, and picking my nose. This technique works great, but it takes twice as long to write my blog.

I know it's still early but all of this arduous focus on my safety has worn me out, so I'm going to go back to bed now to conserve energy. What? There's millions of germs in my bed? Really? What about a nap on the couch? Ecoli? You don't say. Okay, I'll just lie down on the carpet for a bit. Mold, mildew, mites, dust, dirt, and dog feces?  Well, already then. I'll just stand here in the middle of the room where it's safe.

Huh? What asteroid?