Consider the Heart Before You Beat it Up

"He just irritates me sometimes," she said, while eating lunch with me and another co-worker in the lunchroom at Thomson Multimedia.  It was January 2000, right after all of the computers in the world crashed.  Remember that?  Anyway (or is it anyways), the three of us were discussing Suze's significant other. Suze had been married for twenty-five years and she still loved her husband, but he did things that bugged her. He walked like a duck, made little smacking noises when he ate, and talked through his nose, just to name a few irritants.

After working for Thomson (formerly known as RCA), almost thirty years, I had lots of office friendships that ended at 5:00 o'clock every day and picked back up at 8:00 the next morning.  Suze was one of those friends.  Always positive, very intelligent, good conversationalist, easy laugh, and sweet.  Suze was so sweet.  Except, that is, when it came to her significant other.  "He's a wonderful man; he adores me, yet I'm so hard on him," she continued during our lunch hour, "but I can't help myself.  I can be so mean, and he never says anything.  He just takes it."

Thirteen years have passed since that conversation with Suze, who is still married to her wonderful, yet irritating husband.  So many times over the years I've wondered why.  Why is Suze, a sweet woman to everyone else, so mean to the man who adores her? Why does her husband allow her to treat him so disrespectfully?  Why has this dynamic lasted so long without Suze realizing the harm she is doing to her husband and her marriage? Why are so many people just like Suze? Why is Suze's disrespectful behavior toward her husband so common in up-close and personal relationships?

CONSIDER THE HEART BEFORE YOU BEAT IT UP

When my younger sister Lynnette moved in with me when she was eighteen, I had expectations.

1. When the pile of clothes on the floor reaches 5',
     it's time to put them away.

2. When the sink, stove, and countertops are full of
    dirty dishes, it's time to wash them.

3.  Don't leave the door wide open when leaving the house.

4.  Never stuff food down the sofa cushions.

5.  When the tub turns black, it's time to clean it.

6.  Don't hit other cars when backing out of the driveway.

There were other expectations, but the above were created out of frustration, irritation, and anger.   One would assume that one would look before backing up and hitting the car behind it, but, maybe not at eighteen or seventy-one for that matter.

It was during the short time that Lynnette lived with me (I moved out soon after she moved in) when I realized my not-so-nice scoldings and occasional verbal abuse sprinkled with naughty words were unwarranted.  She was young and naive and just out of childhood.  It occurred to me that her behavior was not devious or mean-spirited or intended to hurt me. She was a wonderful young woman who adored me. I realized then that before I got mad and took my frustrations and anger out on my loved ones, I should consider their heart. Why did I think I had the right to disrespect others?  It's a message I wanted to share with my office friend, Suze, but I was afraid she would consider me an up-close and personal friend and yell at me.  So I'm telling you.