The Dangers of Intimacy

We've all heard, "They treat the plumber better than they treat their spouse." The reason that's a well-known saying is because, all too often, it's true. Some people are nicer to strangers than they are to those they profess to love and cherish and adore: their family and friends. Why is that? I wonder.

Well, I'm glad I asked myself that question because it has given me pause to think about the dangers of intimacy. The closer we get to someone, the more vulnerable we become to their potential disrespect of us. That doesn't make any sense, does it? It should be just the opposite: The closer we get to someone, the more they love and respect us, the more they cherish us, the more they adore us. 

DING! DING! DING! WRONG!

The reason people put their best foot forward when meeting strangers is because they want them to think they are nice people. They want to be viewed favorably. It's imperative they are liked because the strangers become that person's ambassadors to the world. "Oh, that lady over on Cowee Mountain, whose toilet I just fixed, is so nice. She even showed me her best foot," the ambassador might say in conversation with other strangers.

It's true. We want strangers to like us. Friends and family, on the other hand, now that's a different story and it's complicated. Friends were once strangers, and we did that whole nice thing in the beginning. Then, over time, some of us started to pull back our best foot ever so slowly. Friends didn't notice for the longest time. Then one day, they felt a sting. Ouch! That hurt. What was that? they might say. It would start out with one little sting at first, like a test. "This is a test. Respond if you got my disrespect." If no response was received, then more tests would come until it was understood that disrespect in the relationship was acceptable.

We choose and lose friends; they come and go, but family is here to stay. They're stuck with us. We don't have to work hard to get them to like us because by default, they love us. Or not. Maybe they don't like us much today, but tomorrow they'll come around. Or not.They don't have much choice. Family's not going anywhere. We may misbehave, but our family accepts us anyway. Or not. Either way, it doesn't really matter; family's not leaving.

There are inherent dangers when we become close to others. The intimacy breaks down barriers that we have put in place to protect ourselves; it reveals those secrets that until now, we've kept to ourselves; and it makes us vulnerable to attack. But without those intimate relationships, we lose the joy from loving others and being loved in return; we are alone and lonely in a world that doesn't see us; and we miss that connection with others who make us feel like we belong to something bigger than just ourselves.

The closer we get to someone, we trust they will make a choice to love and respect us for who we are, not for what they want us to be. We can't ask for their love; love must be voluntary but their respect is essential, not negotiable, and not up for debate. That's my elder perspective and I'm stinking' to it.