Dirty Little Leaking Secret

Marianne does it when she walks by bottled water at the grocery store. Ellen says the sound of running water causes her to do it, and Shirley does it when she touches water, especially when it's warm. I do it, too, but not when I see, hear or touch water.  For me, it's about proximity, i.e. distance to the toilet. The closer I get to that white porcelain bowl, the more desperately urgent the urge becomes. As soon as I can see the john, I have five seconds to close and lock the bathroom door, WAIT! unbuckle my belt, NOT NOW! unzip and pull my pants down, HOLD ON! and sit. TOO LATE!

Incontinence, leakage, peeing in your pants, not having complete control of your bladder used to be considered one of those embarrassing personal secrets that you wanted no one to know about. Discussing malfunctioning body parts was considered bad form and it just wasn't done.

Well, that was then and this is now. The world has been turned upside down (haven't you noticed?) and things are not as they used to be. We live in a reality world now where truth rings supreme. No, really it does.  No more hiding in the lonely shadows of our dirty little leaking secret. One by one, we can all step forward into the spotlight and tell our truths. "My name is Marianne and I leak." "Hi there, I'm Ellen and I am a leaker." "I'm Shirley and I too am a leaker." "My name is Carol Louise and I'm here to support my friends who pee their pants."

Okay, I'm not ready to go public just yet. I'm telling you but I know you can keep a secret. I'm going to wait until more leakers expose themselves. Wait! This just in from Good Morning America.

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING OVERNIGHT! BREAKING NOW!  Kris Jenner (leading actress and matriarch extraordinaire of The Kardasians Show) pees her pants.

Okay, that's encouraging. A famous celebrity exposes her incontinence and dirty underwear on television for millions to see and for no monetary gain or fame or to satisfy an insatiable appetite for attention. No, really. She just wants to show support for her fellow leakers.  That's so altruistic of her, but I'm still not ready to come out of the bathroom.

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING OVERNIGHT! BREAKING NOW! The Today Show is reporting that Lisa Rinna (voluptuous lip model and former Dancing With the Stars alumni)  is wearing Depends at a Hollywood red carpet event. The caption under this breaking news reads "Making Incontinence Sexy." Her husband runs his finger across her behind and says "I can't feel a thing," to which Lisa responds by seductively running her tongue across her big wet lips and giving him a provocative grin, "I know, I know. Check out the boo-tay."

Um.....another incontinent celebrity comes forward. It's tempting but I'm still not ready to get up off this toilet, step forward and announce to the world that I too am a lea...

What? Now? Someone is on the phone for me? Tell them I'm in the bathroom, kinda busy right now writing this blog.

Tiger who? Woods? He thinks I'm what? He wants me to do what?

Okay, everything I said above about my leaking secret...never mind.