All Things Big and Small

Oprah, my life coach and spiritual guide for all things big and small that matter on earth and beyond, told me once that by the time I reach the age of fifty, I should 1) be mentally and emotionally stable, 2) have eliminated negative baggage, 3) know who I am, 4) like who I am, 5) be gentle with myself, 6) not sweat the small stuff, and 7) I forgot the seventh thing. Bleep my bleepin' memory;  I bleepin' hate my bleepin' self. 

It wasn't long after my relationship with Oprah began when she introduced me to Dr. Oz, my medical advisor for all bodily malfunctions big and small that matter on earth and beyond. This genius knows everything about how my body works, and he said that by the time I reach sixty I should 1) stop having children, 2) fart at least fourteen times a day, 3) stop kissing my dog's butt, 4) lick a salt block twice a day, and 5) eat green acai berry coffee beans to bust my fat apps, or something like that. Oh, I don't know now. Sixty was a long time ago and my memory's not so good anymore.

It was Oprah who guided me through the pre, peri, actual, and post menopausal mental anguish that I didn't suffer but could have. My friends did so I was able to pass on to them Oprah's immortal words of wisdom during their darkest moments like 1) keep your feet on the ground, girlfriend; just wear nice shoes, 2) think of yourself as a queen; I do, 3) imagine Heaven as one big baked potato just sittin' there with butter and sour cream waiting for ya, 4) don't think of yourself as a deprived ghetto girl; that's my gig, and, and, and... . Oh, shoot! I forgot the fifth thing but I'm feeling so good right now just thinking about shoes, Heaven, and that baked potato.

Did I mention how amazing my doctor is? He's a wizard when it comes to the care and maintenance of the human body. He has all the answers to every question, and on the rare occasion when he's stumped, there's always Google. But his expertise doesn't stop with physiology. Dr. Oz knows all about psychology, spiritualism, and marketing as well. Have a phobia for germs? Call the automated hotline 1-888-555-DROZ. Answer: Lick a toilet seat. Didn't think it would be that simple, did you? I told you he was amazing. Want to get in touch with dearly departed Aunt Mable? That's an easy one for the doc, too. #TALKINGDEAD. Is there anything this miracle man can't do? Well, there is one thing: he can't market any products even though he's an expert in the field of selling things.  Dr. Oz says he doesn't market products and I believe him. Why would he lie, even under oath before the Senate Subcommitte on Consumer Protection leading an investigation into deceptive marketing practices that raise health and safety concerns? Claire McCaskill, chairwoman of the Senate Committee said, "I don't get why you need to say this stuff when you know it's not true. When you have this amazing megaphone, why should you cheapen your show? ... With power comes a great deal of responsibility." Well, that was not very nice, Claire. Now look what you've gone and done; you've hurt the doctor's feelings. Are those tears?

Since it was Oprah who first introduced me to Dr. Oz, I thought maybe she could help him not sweat this small thing--okay, it's a big thing but Oprah can fix anything, and if she is stumped, there's always Google.

WHERE'S OPRAH? DR. OZ NEEDS HER.

What? Google told you she's where? Because of a nervous what? Excuse me, it must be my hearing, but I just thought you said Oprah, my life coach and spiritual guide for all things big and small in the world and beyond, had a nervous breakdown.

Uh...okay. About everything I just said above...never mind.