When Uncle Jimmy held me on his knees, called me a princess, and said "Boys like girls who are sugar and spice and everything nice," he was simply expressing affection and love. When Aunt Gracie read fairy tales to my sister and me every night, while my mother slept her grief away in the next bedroom, she was just being a good aunt to her nieces. Both my aunt and uncle's intentions were good.
When the authors of the fairy tales and the romance novels and the soap operas and the Hollywood love stories were writing their stories about love and romance, they would have been confused and dismayed if they were accused of having bad intentions. Writers are artists expressing their creativity with words.
When Marabel Morgan conceived of the idea to write a book, The Total Woman, in 1974, that would help women save their marriages and keep their husbands happy, her intentions were good.
When my fiancé bought me her book a month before our wedding in 1975, he just wanted to provide me with a manual on how to be the wife he wanted me to be. His intentions, albeit self-serving, were not bad.
When you combine all of the parts and pieces that make up the whole of who I was as a young woman looking for love, it makes perfect sense that I would be a fairy tale junkie. The good news is I saw the lie and discovered the truth before it was too late to know what true love really means.
Recently, I purchased The Total Woman. (I seem to have misplaced the one my fiancé bought me in 1975.) I wanted to read it again before I wrote about it in my blog. Here is my review on Amazon:
Forty-years ago, I was given this book by my fiancé. He was using Marabel Morgan as a spokesperson for him and for what he expected in a wife. Since I had a Cinderella Complex already--waiting to be rescued by Prince Charming--I didn't object to the basic theme of her book: submit, serve, obey, and have lots of sex...at first. But as time went on, he became his own spokesperson. We weren't even married yet, and I was not even coming close to meeting his expectations. I tried but I failed and the engagement ended.
I just reread The Total Woman. I wasn't that far along into the book before I wanted to throw it out the window, take it out back and burn it, stomp on it...anything to vent my anger. But, instead I kept reading, and then I realized something. The inspiration, motivation, and passion behind this book was for a good reason: helping couples save their marriages. With biblical direction and Christian, family values, Ms. Morgan wrote a comprehensive how-to book, which, over the years, has saved and enriched many marriages--marriages that were headed to divorce court.
I'm only going to comment on the parts of her book that I like--things in any relationship that are important for it to be healthy, rewarding, long-lasting, and of course, happy.
Page 38: "Do you know that your personal happiness depends on the attitude you decide you will have?"
Page 50: "A man needs to be accepted as he is..." and "I need to feel accepted, too."
Page 58: "...respect, honor, esteem, adore, praise, enjoy, and admire."
I'm skipping over the sex part. Not going to comment on "sexual intercourse every night of the week," or "spray your sheets with sweet cologne," or the part about greeting him at the door naked and wrapped in Saran wrap or pink baby-doll outfits and fuzzy boots or the part about having sex pretending to be "a pixie or a pirate, a cowgirl or a show girl." Nope! Not going there. Everyone knows that sex is important in a marriage no matter what you're wearing, or not.
Page 133: "A woman expresses her love by words and expects words in return. A man expresses his love by actions... ." And "Understanding the one you live with and love with gives such freedom." And "A husband and wife must communicate if they hope to understand each other. There is no greater feeling than knowing you are understood."
Page 134: "Be a good listener."
Page 136: "Don't criticize or put him down." Of course, that's a two-way street.
Page 138: "Be sensitive to his moods." Ditto on what I said above.
Page 139: "Be interested in his interests." This is good as long as it's not disingenuous and short-lived.
Page 142: "Before you speak, think the problem through and put it into its proper perspective. An angry outburst can scar your husband's emotions and create barriers between you."
It's important to note that Marabel Morgan is writing this book for women. It's instructions on how to keep your man happy so he won't stray and do the nasty-nasty with the bimbo at the office. She also has a chapter or two on how to raise well-adjusted and happy children.
I can only thank Ms. Morgan, because if it had not been for The Total Woman (I could never, ever be that woman, by the way) I would have married the wrong man for me. It took several attempts at love--I had to realize that I didn't need rescuing; I am a smart, independent, capable woman. I eventually got it right. I have won the "Best Mate Lotto." Life is wonderful and, thank goodness, I don't have to wear that pirate outfit any more.
Tomorrow's Post: I Chased a Fairy Tale
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