Half a Man

Another story found in the long-lost box of writings from yesteryears. The following story, written in 1986, is a work of fiction, or is it?

His confession came after they tied the knot, took the plunge, bought the farm. She was married to half a man, he informed her with tears in his eyes. She would never have known if he had not told her. She could have sworn all of the parts were there. Maybe she was focussing on only the good parts and didn't notice that 5/10ths were missing.

She had been married for two months to the man of her dreams, a young, handsome farmer who had rambled into her life just when she was about to give up hope on finding her Prince Charming. Tall, rugged, and silent, Mr. Right drove up on his tractor--what? were you expecting a white horse?--and they road off into the sunset, plowing a few cornfields along the way. Her plan was to live happily ever after, but that was before the 50% off confession.

She sat at attention listening to her half-husband's dilemma and wondered what a defective-man recall letter would look like:

Dear Occupant:

We regret to inform you that the man you recently vowed to honor and obey--wait! let's start over. We regret to inform you that the man you recently wed is defective. We do have a Quality Control Department here at Big D, but occasionally defective merchandise does slip though the cracks and escapes our inspections. The bottom half of your husband went with the man in front of him and was shipped without notice. (As a side note, this gentleman's wife sent us a very nice letter thanking us for her husband's generous endowment. We thought you would find that humorous considering your situation.) Unfortunately, we do not have a return policy on half men. If you had received one that was 17/32nds, was less than one-year-old, and had fewer than 12,000 miles, then we would allow you to trade him in on a newer model.

Thank you so much for your inquiry and have a nice day.

Sincerely yours,

Mgr., Quality Control
Testosterone Division
Big D, Inc.

She was lost in her imaginary recall letter when he said it again, "I'm half a man." Since he looked whole, complete, one unit, intact, 10/10ths to her, she needed more proof to substantiate his claim.

"I've done something, and it makes me feel incomplete," he said.  She sat perfectly still, waiting for more.

"Duffy and I...uh...we...uh..."

"Did you say Duffy as in 'Duffy' my best friend?"

"Yes. That Duffy. We...uh...we... uh...we did the nasty-nasty."

There! He said it. With a wave of relief, his shoulders relaxed and he released a long sigh. Once his secret was out, he said, he felt complete, whole, intact, 10/10ths again.

"Feel all better now, Honey Dew Dew?" she said.

"Uh huh," he nodded, as one lone tear ran down his nose, stopped at the bulbous tip to contemplate its fate, and then leaped to its death.

She staggered to that slimly sludge in the back corner of her doubting mind and languished there for, in retrospect, way too long before slowly untying the knot, swimming to the surface, and selling the farm.