New School

I was thirteen and one year ahead of my classmates when I joined them in the seventh grade at my new school in Lawrence Township in 1958. Except for the pimples, I still looked eleven so no one seemed to notice my seniority. I felt awkward, conspicuous and out of place, so I didn't make an effort to make friends because I didn't want to face rejection. What was clear to me was that I was one of the least attractive girls in seventh grade. Okay, I admit it; I was ugly. Are you happy now? One boy said if I turned sideways, I looked like a pencil with an eraser head. His favorite name for me was "Eraser Head." Another boy called me Bucky Beaver, but the two names I heard over and over were "Pizza Face" and "Four Eyes." The insults hurt, but I knew they weren't unfounded. I had mirrors at home. I saw what they saw and they were right. I covered the mirror in my bedroom so I didn't have to look at myself and be disgusted.

Wow! I just reread that last paragraph. Some pretty powerful self-hate going on there in the seventh grade. Anyway, ugly or attractive the heart still wants what it wants and most of the time the heart wants attractive. I was no exception. I was boy crazy and the boy my heart wanted was, you guessed it, the cutest boy in the seventh grade: Mike Nickels. I loved Mike with all my heart and soul; I could never, ever love anyone else but Mike. However, Mike wanted Brenda but Brenda wanted Roger. As it turned out, Roger was gay and he wanted Philip but Philip wanted Mary Jane.

My future (and present) seemed bleak. Everyone was pairing up and no one wanted me. So I turned to magazines and books for information on how to become desirable to the opposite sex. What could I do to improve myself? If my looks couldn't attract a mate, I could focus on my beauty inside. That's it! My exterior's not looking so good, but my innards are real pretty. I would become a really good person. People would say, "She's not much to look at, but she's a really good person," and maybe then a man somewhere out there would want me. Please make it be Mike Nickels.